One of the hardest bits about all that has happened has been going through it during the pandemic. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that it has been extremely tough and lack of physical comfort makes things that bit more difficult.

I flew back to Ireland with the news that Dad had passed away the night before. I was drained and numb; the impact of the situation had not hit me. On arrival, my cousins met me at the airport but could not even console me, with everyone having to keep their distance.

I made my way to Waterford with my aunt and uncle and when I got to my house, my mother informed us that her mother had just passed away. A double blow. All the while not being able to give anyone a hug or a shoulder to cry on.

We made our way to Drogheda that evening where my Dad was to be laid to rest. For someone who has little experience of grief, the fact that the funeral arrangements started the following day was shocking and felt too quick.

I didn’t have time to even comprehend what was happening. Next thing I knew I was picking out readings for the funeral and songs that Dad would have liked to be played.

The following morning we watched my Granny’s funeral in Malaysia over Zoom and tried to keep it together. That afternoon, we had to go to the funeral home, pick out his coffin and go through the running of the funeral, all the while being entirely numb to the situation.

Next thing I knew, it was the wake. I’d had one experience of being at a wake in my life and that was earlier this year for my neighbour who sadly passed away. I remember asking Dad what it would be like and he reassured me that it would be okay but if I didn’t feel comfortable, I didn’t have to go. I remember feeling quite shocked, not really knowing what to say to the family.

So when Dad’s wake came around, I had to mentally prepare myself for it. I had to go to it, there was no choice. I hadn’t seen Dad in his last days and knew that for closure it was something I would have to do.

That’s when the tears came. Seeing him there, looking so peaceful but knowing I could never talk to him in person about anything again. His family came to offer condolences, cousins and others who I had never met before and regret not having seen prior to this moment.

We had two hours with Dad, I thought that would be too long. In reality, I didn’t want to leave him on his own there overnight. The funeral home did a wonderful job; every detail was perfect.

The funeral came around all too soon and it was time to say goodbye. That was the hardest part, knowing they were closing the coffin for good. At that point, my aunt consoled me, overwhelmed by the situation and could see I was struggling without hugs and cuddles which we would normally have had.

The funeral was beautiful. A live singer and his guitar played us through; Dad would have loved it. It took place near his home town and he was laid to rest in Monasterboice, surrounded by his close family. He is at peace with his mother and father now.

We released at dove at the burial, a symbol of Dad’s free spirit and his desire to travel and explore the world. I still have one of the feather’s from the dove that was released. My mother and I also laid a red rose each on his coffin before they covered the grave.

To have the support of our family there, although restrictions were in place, was more than we could have asked for. We had a wonderful lunch after the funeral, chatting about Dad and reminiscing of old times. I’m sure Dad would have wanted us to have a drink on him but sadly Covid got in the way. I’m sure we’ll make it up to him soon enough.

When I was back in Waterford, I came across a letter Dad left for us. We hadn’t seen it before we went to Drogheda, and he hadn’t told either of us about it. It detailed his wishes once he had passed. It was like a treasure hunt- directions for findings things he’d left us in his will and instructions on his funeral. He wanted to be cremated and scattered in a woods where he had taken Mam and I before. However we didn’t know this was his wish. Instead, we carved his initials into a tree overlooking county borders as the woods was at a high level. His father had done this years before and he wanted to do the same. We also buried a lock of his hair and his bracelet. We hope that we have fulfilled his wishes to the best of our ability. It is now somewhere we can visit and know he’ll be with us.

I returned to London a week later, ready to start my new role which had began on the day Dad passed. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to perform to the best of my ability but I have so far managed to enjoy it, having the odd wobble throughout.

Only now is the true impact of the last few months starting to hit me. It overwhelmed me one day and I’m trying not to be so hard on myself, but grief does threaten to take hold of me. I know Dad wouldn’t want me to be upset and I find comfort in the hope that we’ll be back to some sort of normality soon and I can travel the world with him.

– Jovi