It’s been a tough week. There have been so many ups and downs, I don’t even know where to begin.

I hate burdening people with my loss but sometimes it’s so difficult to put on a fake smile and pretend it doesn’t hurt.

On Friday evening, the stress of the whole week and thoughts of where I’m going in life overwhelmed me. I’m afraid to cry in front of people. But my overthinking just causes the sadness to build up and overflow.

I’ve had an amazing weekend exploring London, walking miles around the city and doing normal things like having mulled wine on the run up to Christmas.

But as soon as it comes to Sunday evening, I struggle to remain positive and I start to miss Dad all over again.

Work has been keeping me distracted so far but ignoring the fact of what has happened is starting to take its toll. I feel like people don’t understand how difficult it’s been the past few months and I wouldn’t expect them to. It’s just hard to express those emotions and all I want to do is bottle them up.

Christmas is going to be tough this year. The lights in central London are so beautiful but I’m finding it hard to get into the Christmas spirit knowing that Dad won’t be around to have a drink with.

Also having to stay in the UK and not being able to fly home due to Covid/ work has made things more difficult but I will find a way to make it work.

My Instagram page for this blog has been an amazing outlet and it’s been wonderful to connect with others in a similar situation, offering support and guidance on how I’m feeling.

Seeing and hearing from friends I haven’t been in touch with for a while has been great too, and the ones who have been there for me since the start continue to provide constant support.

I tell myself I need to remember all the good things that I still have in my life. Grief can overshadow all the things you have worked for over the years: a good job, a loving boyfriend, a wonderful Mam, amazing friends and a roof over my head.

However, the past few days I have felt Dad with me, and knowing this has helped me stay strong during my lowest moments.

I also read Finding Joy by Gary Andrews during the week which was such a lovely read and is so beautifully illustrated. I recommend this to anyone who has lost a loved one and is struggling with how they’re feeling.

I’m on to reading Everybody Died So I Got A Dog by Emily Dean and I’m looking forward to sinking in to it. I’ve also started an online course to help with my new role at work.

Life moves on and unfortunately we must carry on with it but the memory of our loved one will always be us, propelling us through day by day, wading the rough seas.

And remember: it’s perfectly okay to not be okay. Reach out and find support in others, you never know what the person next to you is going through either.

– Jovi